Imposter Syndrome-- the woes of an AP English teacher

I don't know if it's my usual imposter syndrome rearing its ugly head and butting into my teaching life (usually it's restricted to my writing), but I will be so darn glad when the AP tests are all done. For better or worse, it will have ended. I know I'm a good teacher, but these tests are looming over everything I say and do, forcing me to make decisions I'm not as sure about... ugh. And this is why I didn't want to ever do AP. I don't fully believe in it. There are good things that have come out of it, such as a laser focus on the why of things when it comes to analysis, but geez. And the kids don't seem to give one minute of care to it. 

They don't care. And that makes me both sad and angry. Maybe a few do, but even so, their attitude is one of "o well, we'll give it a shot, probably gonna suck"-- and yes, that is likely the result for a lot of them. And honestly, one test (or even all of them) will not determine their lives in any way. Most are going to state schools, and the dual credit they are earning will be sufficient. We are all caught in a stupid PR game; schools look better on rating sites if they offer AP tests. And this is why I fought against it-- it does little to nothing for the kids. And they know it. And I know it. But we forge onward. 

Tomorrow's the AP Lit test. Next Wednesday is the AP Lang test. And then, life can go on. I feel kind of bad for the kids taking the government and history tests in our school-- there is no dual credit option. For those classes, the exam is the pathway to college credit. 

I think we need to revisit the AP culture (or lack of it) in our school. Either we are all in, students included, or we drop the charade. But it's not up to me. So...I forge onward. 

I don't know why I'm so caught up in this, except I have worked harder this year than I have in any given year, even the first few. I've questioned everything I do. And I feel like I'm not cutting it. I know I am, because their work is better than it was-- and that should be enough. And most of them will be just fine in college-- none  are going on for degrees in the humanities (or maybe one? does film studies fall into the category?), so their writing and reading skills will be focused elsewhere, and not as literature-bound. Or even analysis-bound. It's crazy to think that we've worked this hard and it's all a game. At least, that's how it feels. 

O well. We are off to read the next two books of Odyssey and watch the end of Hamlet today. Then I'll be headed home to deal with some bulky laundry stuff (couch cover, bathmat). I know that I can do that work.

Have a good day, spread the love and keep the faith.

C