End of the semester: has it/is it worth the time we have spent? Maybe?

We have one week left of this fall semester; it's been pretty good, most of the time. A lot of work, mostly mental, some self-imposed, but good. My overwhelming sense of responsibility for whether my juniors will do well on the AP test in May is eating at me, though. I know it's just a test. I know that it's only a snapshot of what they can/cannot do in an artificial environment (online, 2.5 hours, and the beastly multiple choice part). They are good humans. They are interested and interesting. They have questions. They have the ability to search out answers and make a pretty cogent argument for why they think as they do. So wtf with this stupid test? The anxiety they feel is made even more so for me. We've practiced a ton of stuff, and it's frankly not felt like a lot of fun most of the time. I don't like this way of teaching composition. I will give it a lot of reflection and see if there's anything I can do to make this less boring/rote/miserable. Snacks help. 

The Brit Lit kids have grown so much. They started out with nothing --literally nothing. They had a stagnant, lousy freshman year due to having an ineffective person as a teacher. They knew very little about anything that the usual English classroom depends on, but now, almost every one of them can do a whole lot-- this gives me much hope. And they are fun, too! They are starting to make some really great connections, they have learned a lot about the practical aspects of writing a solid essay with supports, and most importantly, they can talk about literature/culture/history with a lot more confidence. They give me hope. 

Well, except the two students who have made it their goal to fail. It has been years-- years!!-- since I've had any student fail a class that I've taught. And to be honest, this was a lousy placement, one rooted in social issues more than academic interest or ability. Even so, if they'd done any of the work, they'd have passed. And one may still, but who knows. That situation is gnawing at me, too. I am not pleased with the fact that I could not motivate them-- I'm not sure too many other teachers can (they are not doing well in other classes, either). And contacting parents has had zero effect. The semester will end, they will not do well, and I hope they don't take any more of my classes. It's not that they are bad humans-- they are not, in fact, they are both pretty pleasant-- but they have no interest in anything academic. And I teach dual credit/AP. So, bad match-up, to say the least. 

But still, overall, it's been pretty good. I have a stack of papers from this group to read this weekend. And next week, I'll have a marathon of reading to do; final papers from both classes. The APLang/Comp kids will have their literary analysis of nonfiction (memoir) essays to turn in (most focused on Braiding Sweetgrass, but two are working on Bird by Bird essays). The Brit Lit kids have a thematic essay, one that they can choose from five options, and that asks them to choose 3-5 primary source materials we've studied this semester to draw from. The essays focus on things like the role of women in literature, what makes a literary hero, the nature of leadership, the need for balance in society, and the function of the poet/poetry as "unacknowledged legislators of the world" (Shelley). All pretty wide open, and designed in a way that they can show what they know in the best way possible. We've talked about all of these themes all semester, and they are encouraged to use past essays and notes. So-- I hope I've set them up to be successful. I'd rather see the best of what they have learned about the literature and about writing, rather than some miserable "gotcha" test. 

Those two kids who did not do work all semester will be at a disadvantage for sure. But I can't worry about that; they have known since the first week of school what to expect (I post everything up front on the Google Classroom and they have a copy of the full syllabus). 

We'll see. I just know that next weekend will be a lot of reading, some sighing and maybe cussing on my part, but it should all turn out okay-- at least, okay enough. Then we flip to a new semester, with new topics and so on. Some of the kids I have right now have chosen to take Creative Writing with me next semester, so they'll just keep coming to room 201. And a couple of students (seniors) will be taking both Creative Writing and AP Lit, so they'll hang out in my room for two full blocks. I must be doing something right. 

Still, the sense of not having done enough, or my best, is a hallmark of my mental and emotional make up. I want so much for these kids-- and the future they are facing is so damned bleak, it is almost paralyzing. What the hell am I prepping them for? Will sonnets save them from poverty? Will a well-written explication shield them from institutionalized violence? Will they be okay? 

Teaching is a vocation, not a job. And for 38 years, I have worried about kids as they leave us. This year, though, I'm terrified for them. Colleges are closing or having their curricula curtailed (witness the college in Texas that can't teach certain works of Plato in philosophy classes...what the actual hell...). What value is there in even trying, is what undercuts everything I do. But then, I remember: educated and compassionate people are the witnesses the country needs and will need. Someone has to remember. Someone has to be there to help forge a new future that is not solely AI-created. I need to invest my very best in their education, in hopes that a few will manage to hang on long enough to both knowledge and curiosity, in order to make the future less bleak. 

And so, we go on. 

Hold on to those you love and what you believe is true and beautiful. Those are the people and things we keep going for.

C