Letters I Won't Write to My Students

I would love to write letters to my students, but I'm afraid they might be taken the wrong way. Or the right way, but it would not be considered professional of me (layering on the snark?)--

Have a super Saturday. I'm off to the Academic Team tournament...

C

Dear Students,

Please do not confuse Stephen Hawking with Stephen King. He did not write It, but he was a world-famous cosmologist. That should count for something.

SMH,

Mrs G

Dear Students, 

Please finish reading the excerpt I gave you to read and consider that you, as high school students, might not have all the background experience you would need in order to declare Stephen Hawking "an idiot." Or, "stupid." Give him the benefit of the doubt, and please, look up anything that escapes you. He might know a thing or two.

Thanks in advance,

Mrs G

Dear Students, 

Jonathan Swift was not a cannibal, nor was he promoting cannibalism. The function of satire seems to have escaped you, even though we discussed it first.

Listen closely,

Mrs G

Dear Students,

It actually does not matter whether Stephen Hawking wrote his book of essays before he was wheel-chair bound. His buttocks were not in his brain, not that it would make a difference. And yes, for the record he *is* the guy who guest-starred on The Big Bang Theory.

Sigh,

Mrs G