Why a personal day is necessary-- all about May 12 and sorting mental boxes

Yesterday was a nice day, and I have my family to thank for it. It was especially nice to be given a little extra "down time"-- I've been busy, my brain has been particularly busy, and a respite day was the best gift I could have been given. 

I'm taking today as a personal day from work, too-- again, it's been busy, and I need a breather. 

May 12 --yesterday-- has a lot of associations for me that it does not for most of the rest of the world. It's an emotional day, and lately, I have been (finally?) starting to process some of the things that have occurred over the last several years-- three of which fall on May 12th. Six years ago, pretty much unexpectedly, I got a phone call that my mother had died. It was the day before Mother's Day, and I had just had a lovely breakfast out with Meg, and we were shopping at JCPenney-- just a little "Mom and Meg" morning. My sister called-- apparently, my dad could not reach me because I was out and about with no cell service. That set a whole world of painful things in motion. Then, in 2022, my father passed away on May 2, and his graveside private service was held on May 12. Fitting. Finally (and I hope it's the final dark cloud), last year, I got a very impersonal email telling me that I'd been passed over for a full-time position in my own school, one that I really wanted/needed. That gut punch on the exact day was excruciating. How many losses can one day hold?

So yesterday, I went to church, came home and had breakfast, and sat in the quiet of my house for a few minutes. G was at work, and I had a small stretch of time to calibrate. I spent the morning doing some house chores-- folded laundry, cleaned out some drawers, etc.-- the kinds of things that keep your hands busy but let your mind wander as it will. I know that the sadness that comes with May 12th will linger, but at least, and at last, I am starting to confront what those events, especially the losses involved, mean to me personally. While things are happening, I am very efficient. I move quickly, I get paperwork done, I make arrangements, I compartmentalize. Then, those mental and emotional boxes get stored and ignored. There was never time to stop and figure out anything before the next thing hit. Now, it seems I must.

It's said that bad things come in threes. I sure hope that's it. The myriad Mother's Day posts and ads and so on really hit me hard this year, mainly because the kind of relationship I had with my mother was not that kind of mother-daughter bond. And I miss my dad so much; sometimes I hear a joke, or see a book or movie I know he'd like. I've gotten to the point now where I offer the thought up to him anyway. I broke down the other day, though, when I thought to myself how much he'd have been delighted by Holly. I can't fix that loss. I can, however, be the 'mémère'  I should be, to honor the things he would have shared with her.

And the job thing just pisses me off, but there's little I can do except make what I do have the very best I can for both me and my students. And I have, in so many ways, and I have plans to build in even more. I am still in the game, but it's late innings, you know? But I keep taking my at-bats, and maybe I'll get a hit before they shut the lights out and the crowd goes home.

So today, I will move around my quiet house, get some more chores done, and take a break for myself. This overdue spring cleaning of mental and emotional boxes is dusty work.

Have a good day,

C