What do you do when you are a fixer and can't fix things?



Monday, snowing, and hanging in there. (One of those is a fib...)

We have a two-hour delay, which will be helpful not only for travel, but so I can get my papers graded that I didn't get to over the weekend. And here we are, the first full week of December, of Advent, and I'm feeling incredibly stressed. 

Honestly, I just don't feel holiday-ish. I have my gifts bought, and there's plans to get a tree, but it feels like going through the motions. Which, of course, it is-- Holly deserves a good Christmas. We all do, really, but what we need and want is, so far, out of reach and out of our control. 

I want my family.

My dad died in 2022, and I'm still working that through. Every time I see a Peanuts special, hear a guitar, glance at a book or movie we both liked, I get a little sad. The current state of increased stress and worry is just making things even more difficult. And it's not about me, really it isn't. I hate seeing my daughter so upset, so worried, so fearful-- her life has been tossed into a freaking shredder at the moment, and that hurts more than anything. I can't fix it. 

And that's the crux of it all: I'm a fixer. I sink my feelings down deep and do what needs to be done to make things all better for those I love. And this time, I can't. 

God is in control, and I have to let go of the wheel, right? I'm a worrier by nature, and this is a big worry and fear. My coffee cup says "Love powerfully, Live purposefully, and Leave the rest to God." It's hard, almost impossible, but what choice do I have?

This is not a Hallmark movie, so there's no guarantee of a happy ending with a guy showing up in a flannel shirt to make things all better. This is a living nightmare that too many families face. Those who would make impersonal spreadsheets of medical issues, of medical debt, of the painful decisions having to be made should just shut up (yes, it's you, I'm talking about, you privileged and disconnected lawmakers and wannabes who would reduce access to health care and who force people into penury due to these impossible situations). 

Yes, I'm ranting. I'm angry at the system. I'm scared and hurting for my little family. 

Please pray, please donate if you can, and please, be there for those who are struggling-- our family and so many others. 

--C


Comments

  1. Scott M. RochetteDecember 4, 2023 at 9:19 AM

    I really believe we are related. We might even be the same person, except you're so much better with words than I could ever hope to be (and way better looking). I hope and pray for you and your little family.

    ReplyDelete

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