The Last Day of '23-- My Take on Things




I was tempted to rant about the napless toddler day we had yesterday, or the smoky smell in my house from neighbors' woodstoves and an unfortunate, lengthy temperature inversion, or about yet another chaotic stress dream that involved unruly students, a truncated schedule, and me losing my voice and my temper. Then I stopped-- why do it? We all have niggling bull-marlarky stuff in our lives. Others of us are contending --still contending-- with much more dangerous, unsettling things: there are horrible wars raging around our globe, there are mean, selfish, rude people who wield actual political/social/economic power stalking our country, there are people dealing with sudden illness, unexpected deaths of parents, and so on. Who gives a damn, really, about petty stuff? I can open a window.

This past year has been one of those that fall under the heading, "living in interesting times," which, in the original context, was more of a threat than an wish or observation. We have been, for sure, paddling against a pretty strong and roiling current for many months now. Weather extremes, failed crops, home repairs/ the ongoing battle with the pellet stove, appliances, and technology, distressing career issues, my son-in-law's health emergency and so on...those are all the things that take the spotlight, whether I would like them to or not. But still, there are some good things tucked in there, one of which is the acceptance of my first book; this is a lengthy process, too, and there are few guarantees, but at least someone took notice of it. And I got nominated for "Best of the Net" by one of the publications I sent work to; that is a small thing, but it's my thing, and I am grateful for it. I was able to wrest a schedule and classes that I wanted to teach from an otherwise hurtful situation at work. That helps, too.

Other writing-related successes include finding a niche for my odd, arcane, scholarly bent: I get to read poetry collections by well-respected poets, and offer up my insights as reviews. I get to exercise my analytical muscle, and ta-da! All but one have found themselves in print. I'm truly grateful for this fun little journey. The poets whose work I've written about seem to like what I am doing, too, and that's gratifying.

And our grand-daughter continues to grow and learn, and, although she tests me frequently, I am extremely proud and excited for her journey. She's pretty awesome, lemme tell ya. It's easy to forget that she is just two years old; she presents as a whole lot older most of the time. She's smart, funny, caring, and joyful-- just what she should be. I need to be a whole lot more patient with her-- she is just learning, and I have to get out of her way. 

G is working a lot (too much), but he generally feels useful and appreciated at both of the jobs he is doing. He's been a champion this last month, helping keep Holly safe and on a routine that works. He's spent the larger part of the month sleeping on our old couch at my daughter's house so that Holly can sleep in her own bed. He's been caring for their pets, keeping the house tidy, and generally managing the whole situation with a lot more grace than I could muster up. I appreciate him. 

So today, the last day of this incredibly trying year, I will try to step back and not give such a damn about the little stuff. I tend to cling to small issues when I can't fix the big ones, and I've been wringing the hell out of stupid things for weeks. I'll go to church and hope God hears me; I have to believe he does. I certainly need a little help. I'm Eeyore, a doom-scrolling what-iffer, always building dungeons in the air. I don't know why-- I was not that way when I was a child. We, being silly humans, tend to fix our sights on what is lacking, instead of what we have. At least, I do. If there's any sense at all in making resolutions, then this is mine:

I will choose, with intention, to see what goodness I have been given, instead of what I think is missing.

We've been blessed, often abundantly, but we lack the courage and grace to see it. I pray that I will.

C


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