Learning to refill my own cup--

I tend to overpack my weekend days, and I emerge at the start of each new week tired. I am going to try not to do that from here on out. I need a weekly re-set, and I need to be better at boundaries--even from myself. Having my own classroom will help a lot, I think; I've become accustomed to doing almost all of my grading and schoolwork at home, mainly on weekends, because I literally had no place to do those things. I've spent years sitting at the table in the open hallway at school, waiting to get into my shared classroom-- not very conducive to quiet thinking, and no access to files and so on. Or even a pen/pencil, if one fails. So there's that. I think much better in the morning, when it comes to grading and so on, so going in a little early each day and sitting at my desk in the quiet sounds useful and even a little peaceful. I'm going to give that a try. 

The house chores are always there, and there's little I can do about that, except parcel them out daily. That, too, will be a bit more ordered, now that I'm back to my middle of the day schedule-- at the moment, it looks like I'll be leaving for work around 8 each day, and returning by 1-1:30 most days. Not bad. Plenty of time to do a little this'n'that. 

I want my weekends to write. To rest. To wander in my backyard, if I want. A friend recently told me, in a different context, that it would be good for me to get away and invest some time in my own work. I agree; it's hard to do when the house and family and pet and so on are present--even if they don't really need me, I feel guilty if I am not "doing" for them. While getting away and engaging in a writing retreat is not in the immediate picture, taking some weekend time to myself is something I can schedule and hold myself to. Either I'm serious about this writing thing, or I'm eternally a dilettante. And I have another book to read, annotate, and write a review for. I need to get serious.

Why do I feel it necessary to fill every moment with "meaningful" activity? It goes back to childhood messaging: "find something to do or I'll find it for you" and having to at least look busy. If everyone else is working, so should you be. Enough. I've been talking to my daughter about the need to schedule alone time to recharge and renew her own "batteries"-- being a young working mom with a busy toddler, a demanding job, and a host of must-do and want-to things, she is finding it hard to refill her own cup. We can't pour from an empty one, and hers is pretty empty a lot of the time. So why don't I take my own advice? I made sure to do so when she was little-- but now, I've slid into some really negative patterns. Negative in the sense that I feel stressed and exhausted, and why? To whom am I accountable? Only me, really. Keeping busy has been a way to avoid confronting the scary things and sad things I have had to deal with for several years, but I don't have to do that now. It is time to scale things back and claim a new schedule and way of going about daily life.

I need to give myself permission to rest. I will be a nicer, happier person if I can let myself claim balance. The "stuff" will get done, but I need to value my own reflection time. What is hard to accept is the physical limitations of getting a little older, and that I need to learn to pace myself a whole lot better. I get tired and that is a fact. Hard truths, perhaps, but necessary. No one is going to pop out of the shadows and judge my lack of dusting. Not now, anyhow. Those days are gone, amen amen amen.

That all said, I have a few things I want to get accomplished, so I can enjoy the rest of this weekend. The weather is, as usual, damp and a bit cool, do it will be a good time to bake bread. That is a contemplative process for me, and I am looking forward to it. That, and a two-hour zoom workshop today about poetry, and a two-hour writing group meeting tomorrow online. And I will be shutting the door to the front room to enjoy both. 

Take care of yourself--

C