Boundaries, Walls, Rights, and Namaste...

I've been thinking a lot about boundaries, both physical and verbal. It could be because we have a tiny house lot, and we have neighbors-- decent enough sorts, but sometimes it feels a little cramped, as if we are on display. That said, a forsythia hedgerow does the trick, most of the time. We have a "shared" driveway, too-- not shared because the properties are under one owner, shared because the prior owners allowed the paving company to just keep a-goin' and there's no clear line of demarcation. Sometimes, I just want to paint a line down the middle and make a stand. 

Those are irritations of location, to be sure. Other boundary encroachments are minor, very picky little things, silly to most, but the things that rankle a bit. Like the other day, someone had turned my calendar at work to March. It was not March. It was not going to be March for several more days. ugh. And when the pencils on my desk disappear. Or when students leave their stuff on my desk (I share a classroom, so they are not my kiddos, but others who don't really know me yet). I was raised with the dictum that if it's not yours, don't touch it, and if you mess something up, you leave it even better than it was before. So, little things bug me, and they shouldn't, but they do. I suspect it's the cavalier way my things are treated as common to all that really irks.

Verbal boundaries are another thing: I hate being "hunned" by teenagers who work drive-through windows. I avoid our local Dunkins because it happens all.the.time. And the coffee is unpredictable, but that's another issue entirely. I don't mean that I need to be saluted with any formal address, but I really find it objectionable when people I do not know take those privileges. It's like at the doctor's office, or any other place that you find yourself in an awkward situation where their idea of being friendly is just too familiar. And don't shorten my name. I don't have a nickname that I can abide, so please don't make one up for me. Mrs. G works fine. I once had a middle school student years ago who really took liberties and called me "Mrs Got to pee pee." O NO YOU DIDN'T, YOU LITTLE SPAWN.

I dislike the weird "we" too, as long as I am ranting. Yes, this micro-essay is becoming a rant-- I am aware. How are we today? I know how I am, which is bordering on annoyed. I have no crystal ball to allow me access to your general health and well being, strange person who is addressing me.

The term "boundaries" has become a matter of focus lately. Setting boundaries with co-workers, students, strangers, and the like is necessary. I read a statement some time ago that went along the lines of "your rights end at the tip of my nose." Now, to me, that's even a bit too close. I'm not a particularly huggy person with non-related folks, but I can manage. I am definitely not an air-kissing type. I'll shake hands, and a light touch on the arm or shoulder does not bother me. And children should never, ever be mandated to hug/kiss/submit to the same from anyone against their will. Stop that. I've taught my grand-daughter to high-five, just as a matter of her own physical and emotional future survival in a world that thinks cute little girls must be touched without their permission.

Emotional boundaries are a heck of a lot harder for me. I like to make other people feel comfortable, and I dislike confrontation. I tend to put up with a whole lot more than I should, truth be told. That tends to fester, though, and my irritation and discomfort tend to ooze out in other ways, which is also not healthy. I'm getting into good practice with saying "no" to things I don't want to do, hear, or deal with. I'm starting at this late stage to insist on personal space and breathing room. I am willing to negotiate, but my needs have to be in the mix, and on my terms. 

It's taken a whole long time for me to start learning these lessons. Breaching other people's boundaries unnecessarily is a really common social fault, and social media has made it really toxic, too. I think women have been conditioned to be people-pleasers, mediators, smoothers-over-of-unpleasantnesses since the beginning of time. That is not healthy for anyone; women and girls do not have to be doormats, and they do need to assert their own positions on things. Self-care does not mean taking advantage; it means that one's own Self needs and deserves to be part of the considerations. 

Sojourner Truth spoke to the Ohio Women's Rights Convention in 1851 on the issue of both the rights of those who were enslaved and of women in general. Her speech was quite short, and full of the right kind of sass. In it she says, while speaking of intellect, 

What's that got to do with women's rights or negroes' rights? If my cup won't hold but a pint, and yours holds a quart, wouldn't you be mean not to let me have my little half measure full?

Sojourner Truth spoke from a position of understanding that was unique to her, but it was also universal as well. Women have too often been disregarded (well, you know we could put in a few other verbs, too), based on gender. And then made to feel grateful for any little notice or acknowledgement that we get. Just watch the fabulous film, Hidden Figures. You'll see what I mean, if you haven't seen it yet.

Boundaries take many forms. Robert Frost's poem, "Mending Wall," is often quoted, but I think most of the people who are quoting it are twisting it to their own purposes. People go about parroting "good fences make good neighbors" as some sort of justification for keeping walls between people (countries, communities, etc.). What the problem here is, it's not the speaker of the poem who is saying that. He is quoting his neighbor, who is merely repeating his own father's "wisdom," not questioning it or even thinking too deeply; he is likened to "an old stone savage armed." However, the speaker of the poem says, 

'Before I built a wall I'd ask to know

What I was walling in or walling out,

And to whom I was like to give offense.'

The speaker is not anti-boundary, but he does want boundaries to make sense. It's not just the cows vs. pine cones that are at the root of his questions, it's more the "why" of the wall in the first place. Sometimes walls are necessary; I highly recommend them, if they are serving a purpose, whether it is to keep out dogs, cows, or unwanted advances or time-sucking requests.

Boundaries should be built on the concept implicit in the Sanskrit word, Namaste. My inner divine spark honors your divine spark. That is a healthy beginning, anyway.

Take good care,

C